...the good, bad and ugly

It can always be worse:

1. Good: Your wife is pregnant.
Bad: It's triplets.
Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.

2. Good: Your wife's not talking to you.
Bad: She wants a divorce.
Ugly: She's a lawyer.

3. Good: Your son is finally maturing.
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door.
Ugly: So are you.

4. Good: Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly: You're in them.

5. Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills.
Ugly: Your 13 year old daughter borrowed them.

6. Good: Your husband understands fashion.
Bad: He's a cross-dresser.
Ugly: He looks better than you.

7. Good: You give the "birds and bees" talk to your daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Ugly: With corrections.

8. Good: The postman's early.
Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying a shotgun.
Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas.

9. Good: Your son is dating someone new.
Bad: It's another man.
Ugly: He's your best friend.

10. Good: Your daughter got a new job.
Bad: As a hooker.
Ugly: Your coworkers are her best clients.
Way Ugly: She makes more money than you do.

...be proud of your son

Four friends reunited at a party after 30 years. After a few laughs and drinks, one of them had to go to the rest room. The ones who stayed behind began to talk about their kids and their successes. The first guy says: I am very proud of my son, he is my pride and joy. He started working at a very successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration soon he was promoted and began to climb the corporate ladder becoming the General Manager and now he is the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes Benz for his birthday. The second guy says: Damn, that's terrific!! My son is also my pride and joy, I am very proud of him. He started working at a traveling agency for a very big airline. He went to flight school to become a pilot and also manage to become a partner in the company where he now owns the majority of the assets. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday. The third guy says: Well, well, well congratulations!! My son is also my pride and joy and he is also very rich. He studied in the best universities and became an Engineer. He started his own construction company and became very successful and a multimillionaire. He also gave away some thing very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday. He built a 30,000 sq ft mansion specially for his friend. The three friends congratulated each other mutually for the successes of theirs sons. The fourth friend, who earlier had gone to restroom returned and asked: What'! s going on, what are all the congratulations for? One of the three said: We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. And then he asked, What about your son? The fourth man replied: My son is Gay and he makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub. The three friends said: What a shame that must be, that is horrible! What a disappointment you must feel! The fourth man replied: No, I am not ashamed. Not at all. He is my son and I love him just as well, he is my pride and joy. And he is very lucky too. Did you know that his birthday just passed and the other day he received a beautiful 30,000 sq ft mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes Benz from his three boyfriends.

Now Isn't that Sp..e... cial !!!!!!!

Some words need not be said to be understood, but understood without the need for words...

...more humor

These are from a book called, Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.
__________________________________________
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15th.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
__________________________________________
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
__________________________________________
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
__________________________________________
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
__________________________________________
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
___________________________________________
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
____________________________________________
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________________
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
____________________________________________
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
____________________________________________
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
____________________________________________
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
_____________________________________________
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
_____________________________________________
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
_____________________________________________
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
_____________________________________________
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
_____________________________________________
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
_____________________________________________
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

...it's joke time

Dad: Mabait ba ang boyfriend mo?
Anak: Yes, Daddy.
Daddy: Maka-Diyos?
Anak: Sobra Dad.
Daddy: Nasaan siya?
Anak: Nandoon sa simbahan, nagmimisa!

Genie: Dahil pinalaya mo ako, may 3 wishes ka!
Man: Gawin mo akong rich, pero di bayad ng tax; powerful, pero di halata;notorious,
pero wala sabit.
Genie: Mula ngayon ikaw na si PING LACSON.

Two young priests discussing prospects of celibacy.
P1: Do you think Vatican will allow us to get married?
P2: Not in our generation, maybe our children!

Guro: Ibigay ang kahalagahan ng PERIOD!
Pupil: Nang hindi dumating ang PERIOD ni Ate, hinimatay si Mommy,
nastroke is Daddy, at nagbaril sa sarili yong pari namin!

Pres. GMA visited Mental Hospital and talked to a patient.
GMA: Do you know me? I'm the President
Patient: Ah, don't worry, when I came here I used to say I am the President, but we have good doctors, you'll be cured too!

What makes a happy man:
daughter is on the cover of Cosmo;
son is on the cover of Sports Illustrated;
mistress is on the cover of Playboy; and
wife is on the cover of Missing Persons

Doc: Congrats! Tell your husband you're pregnant.
Lady: I'm single.
Doc: Tell your lover.
Lady: There's no lover.
Doc: OK, then. Tell your parents to prepare for the second coming of Christ!

A widow asked a lawyer about her late husband's will.
Lawyer: Your husband left 'all he had' to the Home for the Aged.
Widow: But what about me?
Lawyer: You're "ALL HE HAD."

A man was dying of cancer. One day his son asked: "Dad, why do you keep on telling everybody that you are dying of AIDS?" His reply: "So that when I die no one will f*** your Mom."

Sa loob ng isang motel:
GIRL: "Hu,hu,hu..bakit natin ginawa ito? dl na ko virgin at 2 beses pa nating ginawa!"
BOY: Aba! Isa lang ah!
GIRL: "bakit, hindi mo ba uulitin?"

What Women Say:
TEENAGE GIRL: Kiss me, but marry me.
WIFE: No money, no honey.
MISTRESS: With house, open blouse.
SECRETARY: Forget your wife, always remember me!
KUMARE: Wala ang pare mo, pwede na tayo.
GRO: No pay, no lay.
POKPOK: Money down, panty down.
SALESGIRL: Buy me this dress, I give you happiness.
MADRE: Gusto ko sana, may pari bang kakasa?
BIYUDA: Matagal nang wala, ikaw ay pinagpala.
OLD MAID: Noon pa sana, ngayon, paano na?

DALAGITA: 'Nanay, totoo ba kung saan pinasok ang ANO, doon din lalabas ang bata?"
NANAY: "Oo naman."
DALAGITA: "Di kaya masira ipin ko!?"